Category Archives: The Bionic Salesman

The Bionic Salesman’s Thai Road Trip

What the Termites Left Behind

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The Bionic Salesman
A Journey around Thailand

If God or Buddha or the Cookie Monster gave you the chance to go back and re-experience any minute of your life, which minute would you choose?

I was thinking about this on top of the hill overlooking Kata Beach.

Almost exactly a decade ago, Misty and I had our honeymoon here in a hotel called the Plub Pla.

There have been a few moments in life when I knew instantly that the memory of them would shine for as long as I could remember anything. In my mind, they are invariably associated with supernatural conditions of the light – a laser beam of sun, a moon impossibly large… God playing with Photoshop.

The Plub Pla

The Plub Pla was a strange and beautiful hotel. You drove up a track through the rainforest and arrived at a sprawling estate of pools, huts, a tower and split-level decking, with views over the canopy of trees down both sides of the island. Continue reading →

Quickie from Phuket

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Been an age since my last post. Now in Phuket with the whole family, kids, grandparents. Struggling with an unreliable cafe wifi and my Samsung Galaxy Tab.

Phuket is every bit as good as I remembered it. In the decade since our last visit, Patong has changed beyond all recognition. Laguna is fabulous. Spent hours driving around lost in our hire car. Broke down once already. Found a super-cheap hotel, then moved to the hotel next door at half the price.

Already found plenty of retailers for the Waboba balls. Now all we need is the balls. They’ve been tied up in customs, but should be out next week.

Salesman Sees Red on Trip to Khao San Road

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The Bionic Salesman
A Journey around Thailand

The Redshirts came out in force on Sunday. I noticed it first at Ratchathewi, where every third vehicle was a wriggling octopus of scarlet revellers from all the generations.

Children, parents, grandparents all crammed into pick-up trucks so full that their legs dangled off the back. Grannies held up their flags as they stood against the truck cabins. Children sat bewildered or played with their toys. Cars were just as full, with Redshirts sitting in the opened boots, with their legs dangling.

I was on my way to Khao San Road, and it was immediately obvious that shouldn’t take a taxi. I walked the full distance from Ratchathewi to Khao San Road, with the traffic beside moving in stops and starts, so that every few minutes I would hear the same blast of music and the same cheers catching me up from behind. Continue reading →

Siam’s Squawking Man from Xi’an

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Xi'an Man in Siam

Xi'an Man in Siam

The Bionic Salesman
A Journey around Thailand

“Two cliches make us laugh but a hundred cliches moves us because we sense dimly that the cliches are talking among themselves, celebrating a reunion.” Umberto Eco

It must be homesickness that makes me use this quote again. Readers of my other attempts at blogging will recognise it.

You need to remember that I live in China, where they have no fear of cliches, embrace them, cherish them, even.

This is nowhere truer than with the conversations you have with people you’ve just met. These conversations are like reading from a script. The pattern never varies but people never tire of it. It is at once both cliched and profoundly comforting. In China, you’ll never be lost for words. Continue reading →

Trail of Two Bangkoks

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The Bionic Salesman
A Journey around Thailand

Ah, Thailand at last – land of beauty, smiles, elegant beaches and unfathomable ways. I’ve been here a few days now and I already feel I know something of the country’s fine traditions. I know, for example, that at four thirty every Friday, the people of Bangkok like to get in their cars and park them in the streets with the engines running. I’ve already learned not to go anywhere on Friday afternoons.

Bangkok

I’ve taken a liking to the little streets of boutiques and restaurants in Siam Square (see pix). This is the city’s good side – indigenous, young, vibrant and creative. I walked there for ages. Bought some crispy pork and an Itchy (or is it Scratchy?) T-shirt. Couldn’t resist a smirk when I got to “Miss Puke’s” massage parlour. Continue reading →

Bionic Salesman Bounces Through Customs

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Waboba Thailand Road TripThe Bionic Salesman
A Journey around Thailand

My journey begins with the discovery that the Bangkok Bounce website has been blocked in China. I can’t imagine what could be so subversive about a website about bouncy balls. Ah, but maybe they think Bangkok Bounce sounds like something else altogether. Shame on you, censors. This is a family site.

I am traveling with the largest wheelie suitcase I could find. Considerably overweight, and containing a mass of medical equipment, a toothbrush, two pairs of underwear and one T-shirt, it is as stubborn and immovable as a bloated sheep. Apart from a computer, a camera and three Waboba balls, that is all I have with me. There’s no space for clothes. I am like a snake sloughing off its skin. Continue reading →

On Becoming Holland

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The Bionic Salesman
Hainan, China

HollandThe kidneys are remarkable organs. They filter the entire body’s blood 60 times a day. Over an average lifetime, they filter more than a million litres of blood, breaking down proteins and carefully draining out the bad stuff and leaving the good stuff.

They are pieces of precision engineering that function so perfectly most of the time that most people just take them for granted. Nobody ever thinks of themselves as being a kidney success, and most people have no real idea what would happen to you if your kidneys stopped working.

A few months ago, I failed comprehensively at kidneys. I lost a war of attrition, over several decades, with an auto-immune disease. Mine are the kidneys that failed their exams repeatedly, dropped out of remedial class and now spend their days kicking cans and smoking fagbutts in the alley behind the supermarket.

And I can now tell you exactly what happens to you when your kidneys fail. Continue reading →

The Bionic Salesman

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Waboba Thailand Road TripIn January, 2011, I’ll be taking a road trip around Thailand for the country launch of the Waboba Ball.

It promises to be a remarkable trip, not least because there is something special about me.

I’m bionic. And that’s not a joke. I am entirely dependent for life on a machine called Baxter, who accompanies me everywhere in an enormous grey suitcase. Baxter sleeps by day but works dilligently by night, making cheerful hisses and gurgles as he restores my body in preparation for the next day of the trip. It promises to be quite a journey.

If you would like me or another salesperson to drop in on you and show you the Waboba Ball, get in touch with us today.